Sung to the tune of “A Tenor, All Singers Above”
Captain Fitzbattleaxe’s song from Act II
Written by James Ahrens
Performed by James Ahrens

I don’t do too much in this show,
So I’m quite glad to have this employment,
        To give you a task, you
        Must do when I ask you,
That’s bound to increase your enjoyment.
For when we are playing our parts
Or when we are merrily dancing
        Or when we are singing,
        A telephone’s ringing
Is really quite far from entrancing.
For with cell phones and pagers resounding,
All our eardrums will get quite a pounding
        And this opera profound
        Gets a quite different sound.
So do one thing to keep them from sounding.
Now observe …

        (turns off a cell phone)

You see, that will keep them from sounding!