Sung to the tune of “By the Mystic Regulation”
Ludwig’s song from Act I
Written by Holly Windle
Performed by Waldyn Benbenek, accompanied by a chorus including
Stephen Hage, Julia Knoll, Tamara Titsworth and Felix Aguilar Tomlinson

Soloist:

By some mystic regulation
Of theatricalization,
Kindly stop your conversation.
Errant chat we can’t condone. 
Please turn off your mobile phone!

Chorus:

Please turn off your mobile phone!
Your mobile phone!

Soloist:

If a call comes from your mother,
Or an e-mail from your brother,
Or a text from any other,
Please just leave the thing alone.
Don’t upset the baritone.

Chorus:

You’ll regret if you upset the baritone!

Soloist:

It’s a most ill-mannered habit,
Which could make us rather rabid.
If it rings, you might just grab it,
So we speak without disguise:
We’ll stamp on it till it dies.

Chorus:

Stamp upon it, stamp upon it till it dies.

Soloist:

And as we’ve been long rehearsing,
Interruptions start us cursing.
And back home, you may need nursing
If we hear your ringtone’s cries.
Our offended tempers rise!

Chorus:

Yes, at these distracting cries
Our offended tempers rise!
Yes, yes, Our offended tempers rise!  Our tempers rise!

All:

By some mystic regulation
Of theatricalization,
We do not like a conversation
When we’re acting in the zone.
Just turn off your mobile phone!

Just turn off your mobile phone!
Turn off your phone.
A phone, a phone, a phone, a phone, a phone, a phone,
Turn off your phone.
A phone, a phone
Turn off your phone.
Turn off your phone.

Sung to the tune of “Come Hither All You People!”
Ludwig and Rudolph’s song from Act I
Written by Holly Windle
This alternative cell phone song was not used in our production.

Rudolph:

Now listen, all you people,
Ere the show gets underway.

Ludwig:

Those who nod and fall asleep’ll
Disappoint us, but okay.

Both:

And we’ll feel a little bitter
If you start to text or twitter.

Rudolph:

But what brings us close to vi’lence

Ludwig:

Is when cellphones break their silence.

Rudolph:

For these small hand-held devices

Ludwig:

Can precipitate a crisis.

Both:

Turn them off without delay.