The Mikado
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Sung to the tune of “If You Want to Know Who We Are,” this alternate lyric song was intended to celebrate the “beverage of choice” at all of our company’s cast parties! It was performed for the first time at the company’s 1996 Last Gasp Cast Bash, and then again at the 2007, 2019, and 2024 parties. It was performed on all three occasions by the men of the chorus. If you want to know who we are, We drink it at hours late. If you think we can’t drink and sing, Extensive research has shown, If you want to know who we are, And now we’ll go and drink more beer! Our company has a long standing tradition of cast parties or pot lucks following almost every performance. Charged with adrenaline, the company arrives at the event and everyone eats far too much food! This alternate lyric song, to the tune of “Three Little Maids From School,” was written in recognition of this tradition … and its consequences! It was first performed at the 1996 Last Gasp Cast Bash, by Amy Gunderson, Kathy Hering and Julie Parshall, again in 2007, by Betsie Feldkamp, Kristen Husby and Sarah Wind, again in 2019 by Margaret Matejcek, Sarah Mehle and Blanka Melbostad. Three little maids with food are we, Cookies and cakes and pies galore. My favorite place is the grocery store! I’m still hungry … I want more! Three little maids with food! Three little maids with great big bellies, Three little maids with food! I want lasagna filled with cheese, Make mine popcorn, butter please, I want chocolate – to hell with these! Three little maids with food! Give me a piggy on a stick, Beef Wellington would be a hit, Yorkshire pudding and lots of it! Three little maids with food! Three little maids who never tarry, Three little maids with food! Jim Brooks wrote the following alternate lyric, to the tune of “Three Little Maids From School Are We,” in honor of another famous trio! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! The song was performed at the company’s 2007 production of The Mikado, by Jim Brooks, Wally Benebenek and Mark Alt, again in 2019 by Jeff Erickson, Axl Dahl and Tom Berg, and again in 2024 by Joe Allen, Brandt Roberts, and Wally Benbenek. All: Tree little yutes from school is us, Moe: I like to make the teacher mad! (giggle) Curly: I get a kick out of being bad! (guffaw) Larry: I got whupped cause they called my dad! (crying) All: Tree little yutes from school! Tree little yutes, you all be wary, Curly: My name is Curly … Moe: … Moe … Larry: … and Larry All: Bound for the penitentiary, Moe, pointing to Curly: He flunked math, couldn’t find the sum! Curly, making a fist: I popped him cause he called me dumb! Larry, dismissive gesture to Curly: Pay no attention, he’s a bum! All Tree little yutes from school! Moe, pointing to Curly: Oh! He was suspended yesterday! Curly: I plugged the toilets, what the hey! Larry: We watched the teacher float away! All: Tree little yutes from school, Tree little yutes, you all be wary, Curly: My name is Curly … Moe: … Moe … Larry: …and Larry! All Bound for the penitentiary, Jim Brooks wrote another alternate lyric to the tune of “Three Little Maids From School Are We,” for the company’s 2019 Last Gasp Cast Bash, in which he pointed out that not all “little maids” who get into schools, including Ivy League schools, don’t necessarily deserve to be there! The song was performed by Margaret Matejcek, Sarah Mehle and Blanka Melbostad, and in 2024 by Mary Kettlewell, Therese Kulas and Ella Rose Katzenberger. Three Little Maids Three little maids from school are we, Yum-Yum My Mom’s rich, and she’s had good luck! Peep-Bo Mine is from Yale and she gives big bucks! Pitti-Sing Me? Hockey star, now what’s a puck? Three Little Maids Three little maids from school! Three little maids who did not earn it, Three little maids from school! Yum-Yum My ACT grew by 17. Peep-Bo Mom’s half a mil, oh, it bribed the dean, Pitti-Sing My head was photoshopped real clean! Three Little Maids Three little maids from school! Yum-Yum Now freshman Math, so what’s base 8? Peep-Bo Students are snooty and I don’t rate. Pitti-Sing I can’t play hockey ‘cause I don’t skate. Three Little Maids Three little maids from school! Three little maids who did not earn it, Three little maids from school! “Three Little Maids From School Are We” was a very popular tune at our company’s 2019 Last Gasp Cast Bash, and again in 2024! In yet another alternate lyric song, Mary Gregory, Shawn Holt and Rhea Sullivan, wrote and sang of their experience as the most senior members of the women’s chorus. Mary Gregory, Shawn Holt and Mary Mescher Benbenek did so in 2024. Three Little Maids Three elder maids from the chorus are we. Shawn Aches and pains are not any fun! Rhea Wrinkles and gray hair, I’ve got one. Mary Life is a joke that’s almost done. Three Little Maids Three elder maids are we! Three elder maids Rhea, Mary and Shawn, Three elder maids are we. Shawn You who are young ingénues. Rhea With years of dancing ahead of you. Mary Just hang around this will be you! Three Little Maids Three elder maids are we! Shawn From three elder maids take one away. Rhea Two elder maids await the day. Mary They will be grandmas before May! Three Little Maids Three elder maids are we! Three elder maids Rhea, Mary and Shawn, Three elder maids are we. Alternate lyric songs are not the only offering at the company’s Last Gasp Cast Bash concert. Orchestra members have presented humorous musical interludes, while others have done “guess the gesture in the show” or “who said this backstage or on stage?” contests. Occasionally, we’ve also had humorous alternate readings such as the one that Jonah Heuer wrote, for our 2019 Last Gasp Cast Bash concert, reimagining the scene in which Pooh Bah and Nanki-Poo meet for the first time, to become a scene between Anthony Rohr, as The Tenor, and Axl Dahl, as The Bass. The reading was done again in 2024, with Seth Tychon Steidl reading the role of The Tenor while Mike Tober read The Bass. The Bass: Why, look at the cast list! Anthony has been cast as the leading man. That’s the highest role a cast member can attain. The Tenor: It is. Our logical directors, seeing no difference between my tenor voice and the voice of an angel have made the commendable decision to cast me in another leading role. The Bass: (sarcastically) But how good of you (for I know you are a tenor of the usual disposition) to condescend to tell all of this to me, a mere bass. The Tenor: Don’t mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive tenor. You will understand this when I tell you that I can belt all the way to a high D. Consequently, my Tenor-Pride is something inconceivable. I can’t help it. I was born better than everyone else. But I strive to make this known to all, and magnify my pride continually. When all the other actors resigned in a body because they weren’t willing to put up with me, did I not unhesitatingly accept all their roles at once? The Bass: And the solos attached to them? You did. The Tenor: It is consequently my duty to sing – quite capably – as Leading Man, Leading Lady, Supporting Character, Comic Relief, Father Figure, Antagonist, Understudy to Myself, and Chorus, both male and female. The Bass: And it gets you credit. The Tenor: But I don’t stop at that. I dine with crew members for the opportunity to talk about myself. I dance at cheap suburban cast parties for the chance to show off. And I accept refreshments from any hand, however lowly. Even from a bass. The Bass: (gives Anthony a disgusted look and walks away.) Our 2024 production of The Mikado, set in Scotland and retitled The McAdo was double cast, with one set of principals, the Gilbert Cast, performing in half the shows, while another set of principals, the Sullivan Cast, performed the other half. Our Director for the production asked Maggie Benham and Mary Kettlewell, the two women who played the Yum Yum character, renamed Wynn Somme, to sing the original lyrics to Irving Berlin’s “Sisters, Sisters,” followed by an alternate lyric version of the song. In the spirit of Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye’s encore of the song in the film, White Christmas, Seth Tychon Steidl and Graham Remple, the two men who played the Nanki Poo character, renamed Lanky Doug, sang an alternate lyric version of the song. The Original Version, sung by Maggie Benham and Mary Kettlewell: Sisters, sisters There were never such devoted sisters Never had to have a chaperon, no sir I’m here to keep my eye on her Caring, sharing Every little thing that we are wearing. When a certain gentleman arrived from Rome She wore the dress, and I stayed home All kinds of weather We stick together The same in the rain or sun Two different faces But in tight places We think and we act as one Those who’ve seen us Know that not a thing can come between us Many men have tried to split us up, but no one can Lord, help the mister Who comes between me and my sister And Lord, help the sister who comes between me and my man The Women’s Alternate Version, sung by Maggie Benham and Mary Kettlewell: We twin some in some way when we are Wynn Sommes. Mary: Never had to worry – she’s my safety net. Maggie: Same size and height and both brunette! What we’re wearing
Just the things you saw were things we’re sharing. Maggie: When it’s Seth who’s singing, I’m his honey-bee. Mary: [If he’s six three], then he gets me! As for scanties,
What we don’t share are our bras and panties. Maggie: Early eighteen hundreds, well you know we should. Mary: I draw the line beneath the hood. As for Lankies, There were never such devoted Lankies. Mary: Never had to reach for anything too high, Maggie: I got to kiss mine eye to eye. When she draws nearer, It’s like a mirror. We acted as one though two. Highland graces, With knives and laces, Prepared to both kill and woo. (Spoken: “Woof” on 3) Those who’ve seen us, Know there’s something special just between us. Marry us then bury us but still we will be true. Lord help the Wynn Somme, Who stops me when I wanna sin some. And Lord bless this twinsome and blessings on all Ballydew! The Men’s Alternate Version, sung by Seth Tychon Steidl and Graham Remple: Seth (greeting): Lanky Graham (greeting): Lanky Both (out): No ablution so we’re sorta stanky Graham: Never met a song or note that sat too high. Seth: I get more time if he should die. Both: What I’m wearing Doesn’t fit him so there’s little sharing. Both: Oh, so many leading roles that we’ve amassed Graham: They hear us sing, Seth: And we get cast. Both: Not very smart we Still get the part be- Cause we’re the cat’s me-ow. (Spoken on beat 3: “Meow”) Two tenor charmers We’re five alarmers Our spice level’s set to “wow.” (Spoken on beats 2 and 3 “And how”) When we’ve got lines No one cares about the other plotlines Seth: Many ask us what the show’s about Graham: But we don’t know. Still ladies shag us, Despite being dumber than haggis. Just do not drag us, For not knowing half of this show! As Malka Key describes herself in the song below, she is indeed a “synopsist,” having created a wonderful tradition of beginning the Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company’s Last Gasp Cast Bash’s alternate lyric concert with synopsis of the operetta the company has just produced to the tune of one of the songs from the show … entirely from memory! Malka performed her synopsis of the company’s 2019 production of The Mikado to the tune of “As Some Day It May Happen,” otherwise known as the “Little List” song! As it annually happens that I summarize a show, I’m called a synopsist. I’m called a synopsist. When I put events in order so they scan and rhyme and flow, Some details do get missed, but you can get the gist. Start with Franki-Poo, the king’s son, who’s disguised as a trombone, And Co Co, an ex-tailor, who has now become well known. He was put in jail for flirting, which in Ti-Tea-Pu’s a crime. Released and then promoted, he explains with pantomime As Lord High Executioner he now controls the list Of who would not be missed – of who would not be missed. You start to get the gist– he’s got a little list And they’ll none of ’em be missed – they’ll none of ’em be missed. We find Franki-Poo in love with Tum-Tum, but they’re both engaged To lovers who insist that they do not resist. She’s stuck as ward of Co Co, who becomes at once enraged, And Franki-Poo’s dismissed – he’s forcefully dismissed. Then the other problem’s Franki Poo himself is also tied To Katy Shaw, a lady from the court who’d be his bride. And then Co Co gets a letter from their ruler who inveighs That the lack of executions must be fixed in thirty days, So he strikes a deal with Franki: “Marry Tum, and then assist By going on the list – the top of Co Co’s list.” I’m sure you get the gist – he’ll head up Co Co’s list. But we know that he’d be missed – by Tum Tum he’ll be missed. So the deal is underway, but Co Co’s back to specify Since Franki’s on the list, Tum also must enlist: All wives whose men are executed also have to die. On that he does insist; a point they must have missed. Then they tell the King they’ve killed someone and he enjoys the tale. Until they note the name’s his son’s, and punishment detail. But Franki says if Katy Shaw knows he’s alive, he’s dead. So Co Co talks her into wedding him in Franki’s stead. When they all rejoin, the king gives his approval to this twist For Katy won’t be missed; in court she won’t be missed. This now concludes my list. Some characters were missed, But I’m sure you got the gist – I’m sure you got the gist. The following alternate lyric, sung to the tune of “Here’s a How-De-Do,” celebrates the general chaos that inevitably leads to a successful theatrical production. While some of the allusions were specific to the Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company’s 2007 production of The Mikado, most are universal to any company’s experience overcoming the obstacles to “put on a show!” This song was performed at the 2007 Last Gasp Cast Bash, by Sarah Wind, as Yum-Yum, Timothy James, as Nanki-Poo, and Ethan Edwards, as Ko-Ko. Yum-Yum Here’s a how-de-do! Nanki-Poo Here’s a pretty mess! Ko-Ko Here’s a state of things! All Three With a desperation strong Can we find something new? Here’s a pretty state of things! Yum-Yum Here’s a how-de-do! Nanki-Poo Here’s a how-de-do! Ko-Ko Here’s a how-de-do! All Three If we can’t find something new, The company’s 2019 production of The Mikado was “reimagined” and set in Edwardian England. Tom Berg decided to explore other possibilities and wondered what The Mikado would have been like if it had been set just a bit further north! Tom sang his alternate lyric song to the tune of “Our Great Mikado, Virtuous Man.” Our great McAdoo, virtuous man, And you are righ’ and we are righ’, This clever ploy, you’ll understand, We chorus men who star’ Act One And then to make the show more Scotch, So we eat haggis after ev’ry extra, extra weeken’ matinee! Alternate lyric songs are not the only offering at the company’s Last Gasp Cast Bash concert. Orchestra members have presented humorous musical interludes, while others have done “guess the gesture in the show” or “who said this backstage or on stage?” contests. Occasionally, we’ve also had humorous alternate readings such as the one that Jonah Heuer wrote, for our 2019 Last Gasp Cast Bash concert, reimagining the scene in which Pooh Bah and Nanki-Poo meet for the first time, to become a scene between Anthony Rohr, as The Tenor, and Axl Dahl, as The Bass. Axl: Why, look at the cast list! Anthony has been cast as the leading man. That’s the highest role a cast member can attain. Anthony: It is. Our logical directors, seeing no difference between my tenor voice and the voice of an angel have made the commendable decision to cast me in another leading role. Axl: (sarcastically) But how good of you (for I know you are a tenor of the usual disposition) to condescend to tell all of this to me, a mere bass. Anthony: Don’t mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive tenor. You will understand this when I tell you that I can belt all the way to a high D. Consequently, my Tenor-Pride is something inconceivable. I can’t help it. I was born better than everyone else. But I strive to make this known to all, and magnify my pride continually. When all the other actors resigned in a body because they weren’t willing to put up with me, did I not unhesitatingly accept all their roles at once? Axl: And the solos attached to them? You did. Anthony: It is consequently my duty to sing – quite capably – as Leading Man, Leading Lady, Supporting Character, Comic Relief, Father Figure, Antagonist, Understudy to Myself, and Chorus, both male and female. Axl: And it gets you credit. Anthony: But I don’t stop at that. I dine with crew members for the opportunity to talk about myself. I dance at cheap suburban cast parties for the chance to show off. And I accept refreshments from any hand, however lowly. Even from a bass. Axl: (gives Anthony a disgusted look and walks away.) Kelly Danger made her first offering to the Last Gasp Cast Bash alternate lyric concert in 2019, with a song celebrating women’ empowerment in a world still prone patriarchal traditions. This song was sung to the tune of “Comes a Train of Little Ladies,” by the women’s chorus. Come some liberated ladies Piercing fragile white men’s bubble Are you seriously explaining? It’s so hard to be a man these days it’s so overplayed Schoolgirls you, eighteen and under, In the following alternate lyric song, Jo Pasternack reminded us all of how much the cast depends on our Costume Mistress to keep us all from becoming “things of shreds and patches” on stage! The song was sung to the tune of “The Sun Whose Rays,” by Margaret Matejcek, at the company’s 2019 Last Gasp Cast Bash. The pants whose knees have lost their crease are very ripped and hole-y, I need to mend the clothes, I cannot lie! Observe the rip, a hanging strip, the fabric is not intact. I had to mend the clothes, I cannot lie! Our 2019 production of The Mikado included a particularly peripatetic prop … a bench that was continually moved about the stage, from one scene to the next, to provide a place for cast members to sit or upon which to stand. Malka Key wrote the following tribune to the bench, to the tune of “A Wandering Minstrel, I,” which was sung by Anthony Rohr. A wandering bench am I My shift change list is long Are you in sentimental mood? But if patriotic sentiment is wanted, Your choruses around the stage assemble We shouldn’t be concerned if benches tremble, A wandering bench am I Eric Pasternack … never one to shy away from politics!… wrote and sang the following alternate lyric song at the at the company’s 2019 Last Gasp Cast Bash, to the tune of “As Someday it May Happen,” the “Little List” song. As someday it may happen that impeachment must be tried, We’ve got ‘em on our list, we’ve got ‘em on our list, And how about inaugurals that buy some influence? We’ve got him on our list, we’ve got him on our list, And now the fake news narrative we hear from day to day, We have put him on our list, we have put him on our list, The Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company presented The Mikado in the spring of 1985, in recognition of the operetta’s centenary on March 14th. That evening’s performance included a celebratory event with refreshments after the show. Of special note, a searchlight had been rented and was placed outside the lobby’s front door to light up the night sky as part of the celebration! Unfortunately for the cast, who were backstage getting ready for the show, they didn’t have the opportunity to see it. As one cast member joked, paraphrasing Ko-Ko, “we weren’t able to see it, but it was ‘there all the same!'” As a part of the celebration, the company sang the following alternate lyric song, sung to the tune of “There is Beauty in the Bellow of the Blast.” There is beauty in a show that is a blast,” Though a blizzard has a splendor that is grim, If that is so, Away we’ll go |