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Assistant Stage Manager Malka Key charmed the members of the Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company at the annual Last Gasp Cast Bash, following the company’s 2017 production of The Gondoliers as she recited a synopsis of the operetta which she wrote to the tune of “Arising Early” … entirely from memory!
Arriving early in the evening,
They have come to see our show.
As they doubtless are perceiving,
We’re not open yet, although
In the program – here’s the spot —
They can read about the plot.
First we start off with a wedding;
Marco and Guiseppe treading
From the altar are informed there is a hitch:
Don Alhambra brings some gossip
Though for which of them’s a tossup,
For there’s still some doubt surrounding which is which.
One’s a king who’s lived here hidden twenty years,
While the other is a son of gondoliers,
And it’s off to Barataria they must steer,
Until who’s to be the monarch is made clear.
So the quartet who just married
Have reactions that are varied
Broken-hearted to be parting, though excited to be crowned.
Don Alhambra says that they’ll be
Reunited, at least maybe,
Once the nurse who can establish who is really king is found.
Though to back up just a minute,
There’s another problem in it,
For Casilda, who’s the queen, has found a lover of her own;
She tells Luiz they’ll be parting
While a new life she is starting.
He goes off to find his mom, to whom the king’s ID is known.
Oh, to wait to hear us sing
Is a gratifying thing,
For our bios are delightful and the glossary is fun,
But the privilege and pleasure
That they treasure beyond measure
Is to read the full synopsis and that’s only been act I.
Though an isle imaginary,
Barataria is merry.
As they’ve nothing in particular to do
Marco and Giuseppe know they
Must do something good to show they
Need not just one set of rations, at least two.
They have set to work reforming monarchy
On the basis of extreme equality.
Then their wives appear and ask who will be queen,
But they say that still is waiting to be seen;
Don Alhambra comes conveying
Further news they find dismaying
He neglected to inform them one was married once before.
In a contemplative fashion,
Free from every kind of passion,
They with Tess and Gianetta take in this unwelcome lore.
To put an end to the debating
Comes the nurse we’ve been awaiting.
She reveals it’s not the gondoliers but Luiz who is king,
For she swapped them for protection,
Not that there is much objection
From the couples reunited by this Unexpected Thing.
Oh, to wait to hear us sing
Is a gratifying thing
They can look at all the posters from our shows of long ago,
And the culminating pleasure
That they treasure beyond measure
Is to read the full synopsis in the program of the show.
After many years of discussion and debate, the Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company finally decided to accept credit cards at the box office! While originally intended as a convenience for our patrons, the company soon came to realize that people with credit cards are also far more likely to spend a bit more on company merchandise. Ryan Johnson, Michael Burton and the men’s chorus sang Malka Key’s tribute to this innovation, to the tune of “Of Happiness, the Very Pith.”
Men
Of happiness, you the very pith
In lobby sales, as you will see
Your posters can be purchased with
An absolute modernity.
Your credit cards, you now will find,
Will purchase things of every kind.
A PayPal gadget we’ve combined
By Bluetooth – such modernity!
Marco and Giuseppe
Two patrons hitherto bereft
Of buying opportunity,
Who now buy items right and left
With absolute impunity.
We buy our mugs and DVDs
And even though it’s ten degrees,
A t-shirt we will purchase, please,
To wear in the community!
Men
Of happiness, you the very pith
In lobby sales, as you will see
Your posters can be purchased with
An absolute modernity.
Your credit cards, you now will find,
Will purchase things of every kind.
A PayPal gadget we’ve combined
Ryan Johnson and Michael Burton next took the stage, dressed as another famous pair of brothers, Luigi and Mario, to sing a song to the tune of “We’re Called Gondolieri,” written by Michael, who noted that “idraulici” is Italian for “plumber.”
We’re called Idraulici, we’re happy to meet ye,
If your pipes are leaky we’ll help you get dry.
For bravery noted since our sprites were coded
To the princess devoted (Luigi / are Mario) and I.
When Bowser’s cavorting, the danger ignoring,
Down sewers we’ll go soaring, with reckless aplombs
We’ll get hit by goombas or fall to our doom
But there’s nothing so booming as getting blown up by bob-ombs.
When flagpoles are raising the flag we are praising ourselves
On completing a level well done.
Or else if we biff it, and really step in it
Luigi takes over for Player One …
Luigi: Then I take ooover for Player One.
Luigi takes over for Player One
We’re called Idraulici,
Our goal is to save Peach-y
Idraulici, Idraulici tra la la la la
Tra lala lala la la
Idraulici
Saving Peach-y tra la la la la
The Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company prides itself in being a company that successfully stages a cast with a wide range of ages from young adults to those who are older to create a full tapestry of a community. This works particularly in a production such as The Gondoliers in which a cast with a range of ages creates a far more realistic community than would a cast composed entirely of twenty-somethings. That doesn’t mean, however, that everyone can play every role. In a cast with mixed ages, those who are younger will naturally play the “sweet young things” while those who are older will play their parents and even grandparents! While, as we say, doing so creates a more realistic community, that doesn’t mean that some of the older cast members don’t wish that they still might be of an age to be cast in the younger roles!
The following song, written by Holly Windle to the tune of “When a Merry Maiden Marries,” was sung at the company’s 2017 Last Gasp Cast Bash by the chorus women who were forty-two and older, as a humorous reflection on this reality.
When a chorus girl grows older,
It’s just as her mother told her.
When you reach a certain age,
Things are diff’rent on the stage.
Less of dancing; more of sitting.
Maybe even do some knitting.
In a dark and heavy skirt,
You can watch the young ones flirt.
And among those chorus others,
We’re now older than their mothers.
Every flow’r has a thorn,
But how sweet is past success.
Long before those kids were born,
We were singing G&S.
Wisdom compensates for youth
When you’re longer in the tooth.
When a chorus girl grows older,
Age is up to the beholder.
And our patrons like the fact
Older people sing and act.
When your hair is grey or greying,
You will hear directors saying:
“You can play the granny now.”
Maybe there’s an extra bow.
When too old to play a floozy,
You can dodder and go woozy.
There is audience appeal
In this elderly disguise.
Added wrinkles are not real
Nor those crow’s feet by the eyes.
Aging chorus girls aren’t dumb;
Merry matrons we’ve become.
Merry matrons we; merry matrons we!
So you see: it’s merry matrons we.
The Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company’s tradition of successfully utilizing a cast with a wide range ages occasionally means that the cast will include children in roles created for them by the directors.
The 2017 production of The Gondoliers included two children, the very accomplished young actress, Mary Bair, and a relative newcomer to the stage, Liam Hage.
While offstage, Mary did her homework while Liam played with one cast member’s DS game device or engaged the adults in a game, somewhat like “20 Questions,” called “Animal Guesses,” which many of the very kind adults in the show were willing to play with him.
The following song, very kindly written by Malka Key and sung to the tune of “Small Titles and Orders” by Jim Ahrens and Katerina Middeldorp, described this backstage game.
Duke
Small insects and mammals,
From earwigs to camels,
We guess, and he’s highly delighted.
Duchess
He’s highly delighted.
Duke
Does it live in water?
It might be an otter.
Apparently, also it’s flighted?
Duchess
In water, but flighted.
Duke
I’ve got it, by jingo!
Is it a flamingo?
I got it, so now I must choose one.
Duchess
It’s your turn to choose one.
Duke
If stuck for ideas,
There’s zebras or cheetahs,
Or also, I guess a gnu’s one.
Duchess
That’s true, a gnu’s one.
Is it in Australia?
Or is it mammalia?
It flies? Then a loon? Or an eagle?
Duke
No, no, not an eagle!
Duchess
If it is egg-laying
Now what were we saying?
As big as a cat, or as Liam?
Duke
No, smaller than Liam.
Duchess
Does it have diseases
Or float on the breezes?
Mosquitos – a gnat – or no-see-um?
Duke
Good guess, a no-see-um!
Does it live in a forest?
If I were a tourist,
I’d see one – then maybe a parrot?
Duchess
Yes, yes – it’s a parrot!
We jump from a beaver
to golden retriever,
at least once a weekend a ferret.
Duke
(I guess he likes ferrets.)
Together
In short, if your Kindle’s
Life’s starting to dwindle,
And you don’t know where your DS is
(where Anna’s DS is),
It lessens the grating
When life keeps you waiting
To trot out some animal guesses –
Some animal guesses!
The children on stage were not the only children of note in the Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company’s 2017 production of The Gondoliers. Cast member Jacob Wellington was a new father and his newborn daughter, Holly, was never far from his thoughts.
This was particularly evident when Jacob sang the following tribute that he wrote to Holly, with his young daughter in his arms, to the tune of “The Merriest Fellows are We” at the company’s 2017 Last Gasp Cast Bash.
For the merriest baby is she!
Tra la, tra la, tra la la la la, tra la!
This babe that we’ve named Holly!
Tra la, tra la, tra la la la la, tra la!
With napping and burping
And nursing and slurping
We’re happy as happy can be!
Tra la
With napping and burping
And nursing and slurping
We’re happy as happy can be
Tra la etc.
With sorrow we’ve nothing to do
Tra la, tra la, tra la la la la, tra la!
Unless she has recently pooed
Tra la, tra la, tra la la la la, tra la!
We’ll teach her to bellow
With all you good fellows
We never again will be blue!
Tra la
We’ll teach her to bellow
With all you good fellows
We never again will be blue!
Tra la etc.
W.C. Fields famously said, “never work with animals or children.” While the Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company may disagree with the latter, it has taken Mr. Field’s advice and has avoided having an animal on stage. That doesn’t mean, however, that there aren’t animals backstage. Eric and Jo Pasternack’s standard poodle, Olivia, has been a regular Green Room guest, beside Jo in her capacity as Costume Mistress, and engaging with cast members who were willing to give her some attention.
Ryan Johnson sang the following song at the company’s 2017 Last Gasp Cast Bash, to the tune of “Rising Early in the Morning. The song was reportedly written by Olivia, although we suspect that Jo may have helped type it for her!
Rising early in the morning, I retrieve the daily news.
Then with very little warning, I receive my breakfast chews.
I embark without delay on the first walk of the day.
Jo the front door first unlatches, then my harness she attaches;
We promenade with stride quite confident.
Then if yesterday was Sunday, we spend almost half of one day
With the Sholom Old Age Home residents.
Where we gen’rally drop by the day-care group
And sometimes even leap right through my hoop.
Or we visit hospice pa-ti-ents prostrate
And their discomfort help to mitigate.
After that we generally call our work at its finale,
We have finished with our duty, so it’s time for us to scram.
Do some errands grocer-ary at the local “commissary,”
We refill our cupboard empty with a carton or a can.
Then in view of cravings inner, we go home and Jo eats dinner.
I inhabit my dog pallet and my eyelids contemplate.
Next day I will go teach reading to some children who are needing,
So you see that I have many volunteer gigs on my plate!
A-yoooo! Most humans may aver relaxation of a cur
For of pleasures there are many; obligations rarely great.
But the culminating pleasure which I treasure beyond measure
Is of having very many volunteer gigs on my plate!
(A-yooooo!)
It would be an understatement to say how disappointed most of the members of the Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company were by the 2016 presidential elections.
The result at the company’s 2017 Last Gasp Cast Bash were three songs of a particularly political flavor.
The first song was written and sung by Eric Pasternack, to the tune of “I Stole the Prince.”
I stole the post with appeal to fear, and plenty of lies reciting
I promised to keep all jobs right here, and make America great, my dear
Creating a vision that’s insincere, while riots here inciting.
With Russia’s help, old Hillary’s out, to rule I will endeavor.
Of that there is no manner of doubt, no probable possible shadow of doubt,
No possible doubt whatever.
I guess that you may find it queer, perhaps you are supposing.
I’m not a respectable financier, and truth is not to be found here
I’d rather to a lie adhere, alternative facts proposing.
My spokesmen all throw lies about, and many of them are clever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt, no probable possible shadow of doubt,
No possible doubt whatever.
So now I have the whole world’s ear, and Tweet with great impunity
A short time into my first year, I’ve ticked off every vice premier.
Initiatives I’ve helped to steer will hurt the whole community.
Obama’s ideas are all thrown out, as if they happened never.
Of that there is no manner of doubt, no probable possible shadow of doubt,
No possible doubt whatever.
We’ll see how long I last up here, before I lose my power.
Impeachment is my greatest fear, and from this poisonous atmosphere
The clowns in Congress may appear, and things could all turn sour.
I am a narcissistic lout, I want to rule forever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt, no probable possible shadow of doubt,
No possible doubt whatever.
The second song was written by Jo Pasternack, to the tune of “From the Sunny Spanish Shore,” and was sung by Jim Ahrens, Katerina Middeldorp, Phillip Eschweiler and Cassie Utt.
From Manhattan and its pow’r
The chief of the Trump tow’r,
And his racist fawning crew,
And his racist daughter, too
And his racist spokesman Sean
On the White House private lawn,
On the White House private lawn.
And if ever, ever, ever they get ‘nother yen
They will never, never, never win a race again,
They will never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never win a race again!
Neither that jackass who thrives on pow’r,
Misogenist of the Trump Tow’r
Nor his racist fawning lying crew,
You may add his racist daughter, too!
Nor his racist mister double-talk Sean
On the White House private lawn,
On the White House private lawn.
And if ever, ever, ever they get ‘nother yen
They will never, never, never win a race again,
They will never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never win a race again!
The third song was written by Jim Ahrens, to the tune of “In Enterprise of Martial Kind,” and was sung by Jim Ahrens, Katerina Middeldorp, Phillip Eschweiler and Cassie Utt.
Duke
When they made him the president they really put the boot in
They put him in a role that he is really not astute in
And put his children in a spot where they can rake more loot in
That narcissistic egotistic quite fascistic president
The friend of Vladi Putin.
Retinue
That narcissistic egotistic quite fascistic president
The friend of Vladi Putin.
Duke
In science he is quite a dolt, he is no Isaac Newton
Climate change is not a thing this moron is acute in
For EPA he put someone who really does not suit in
That idiotic quite chaotic non-Socratic president
The friend of Vladi Putin.
Retinue
That idiotic quite chaotic non-Socratic president
The friend of Vladi Putin.
That idiotic quite chaotic non-Socratic president
The friend of Vladi Putin.
By late February into March, Minnesotans have been trapped indoors for most of four months. One wonders if this weather enforced confinement results in an increase of illnesses above other times of the year. While that may or may not be the case, the Gilbert & Sullivan Very Light Opera Company seems to experience more than its fair share of cast members who must miss or muscle through performances due to one illness or another.
Eric Sorum was particularly conscious of the fact that he’d missed one full weekend and struggled through a second weekend due to his own bout of illness. As personally disappointing as that was, Eric was able to laugh about his own situation at the 2017 Last Gasp Cast Bash in the following song that he wrote and sang to the tune of “Rising Early in the Morning.”
Rising early in the morning with a feeling singers dread
For a virus without warning, has your sinus infected.
It embarks without delay to completely ruin your day.
For the tickle in your throat is the first sign you dread the mostest
That your days of healthy living have expired.
Then the symptoms do impose a constant trickle down your nose all
While you’re feeling stiff and sore and awfully tired
The you start to spit and sniff and snort and sneeze.
While you blow and gag and hack and fart and wheeze.
Then the phlegm has just begun to run its course
When the coughing has you feeling very hoarse.
And in vain you try to vanquish all your symptoms while you languish
Round with tea and pills in bed with all the tissues you can hog.
But your throat is feeler worser for the wear and sounding coarser
And you cannot sing a ditty without sounding like a dog.
With your face all red and rigid you are looking like an idiot
You’re a sight for sorer eyes and by no means can sing in key
Thus all snotty nosed and sickened, no, you cannot sing this weekend
You’ll just stay at home and cough and blow your nose eternally.
Oh, the whooping cough and flu
while some nasty germs, ‘tis true
may be stopped antibacterially or by immunizing
But the pestilence incessant,
Most pernicious and unpleasant
Is a viral upperrespitory illness when you sing.
On the second week of sickness the infectious viscous thickness
Of your mucus, all lugubriously grows
Doubled over in the bathroom thinking that a high-power’d vacuum
Would be necessary to unplug your nose.
Then you try prescription strength expectorant
When you want to sing an opera but you can’t.
It just lulls your brain into a silly state
Where you dream about your life’s unhappy fate.
Then you spend the whole night waking up at every sound you’re making
Every cough and sniff and hiccup gag and hoot and croak and hem.
When you think the thing is bested the next moment you’re congested
And your mouth and nose and eyes and ears have overflowed with phlegm
Then you blow your nose and pump it all while sounding like a trumpet
Honking like a bus and thinking your last chorus you have sung…
Then the moment does arrive when you convulse and bulge your eyes and
In climactic fits of coughing you hack out the other lung.
The rigors of long rehearsals and full performance schedules also took its toll on performers and their health during the company’s 2005 production of The Gondoliers.
This minor health crisis … and the complexity of the production’s choreography! … were celebrated by James Brooks in the following song, sung to the tune of “Dance a Cachuca,” and performed at the Last Gasp Cast Bash by members of the company
All:
We sneeze, “Achoo!” ‘cause we’ve got bad congestion!
Shari said, “Rest!” but we shunned her suggestion.
Our noses run in abundance and chance is,
We’ll never remember those infernal dances!
Women:
Left or right, I think I’ll choose the latter,
But it doesn’t really really matter.
Doesn’t really matter,
If I choose the latter,
Cold is getting badder,
Doesn’t really matter.
Men:
Right or left, I think I’ll choose the latter,
But it doesn’t really really matter.
Women:
Cold is getting badder,
doesn’t really matter,
can’t do this dance!
All:
Oh, Shari said, “Drink lots of fluids and always,
Wash hands after touching another’s !”
We know that she’s right,
But rebel just for spite ‘cause we’ve heard those words come from our mothers!
We rebel in spite!
We sneeze, “Achoo!” ‘cause we’ve got bad congestion.
Shari said, “Sing !” but we raised an objection,
Our notes aren’t clear, they’re incredibly muddy.
I hope they’ve recruited forty understudies!
Oh, Shari said, “Don’t stay too late at the parties!”
But, leaving was hard to decide, Aahh!
Forget Gondoliers but we know we’ll be ready for Ida.
Sick now, but we know we’ll be better by I – da!
The theme of illness was also addressed the company’s 1994 production of The Gondoliers by Holly Windle in the following song, sung to the tune of “There Was a King,” and performed at the Last Gasp Cast Bash by Robert Sherrane as Don Alhambra and members of the company.
Don Alhambra
There was a troupe, so rumors claim,
That had a long, unwieldy name,
And great its talent and its fame,
And great was its attendance.
For fifteen years a source of pride,
Admirers came from far and wide,
But then things changed—and, woe betide,
The end of its ascendance.
For illness reared its ugly head;
Sopranos ailed and took to bed;
Each year was worse, and people said:
“It really is outrageous!”
Chorus
Outrageous, it really is outrageous!
Don Alhambra
The understudies knuckled down
(Though one was spotted leaving town),
But illness tarnished their renown,
And often was contagious.
Chorus
Yes, illness tarnished their renown,
Though understudies knuckled down;
Still one was spotted leaving town,
For illness is contagious.
Don Alhambra
Directors had to sing and dance
And fit an actor’s dress or pants;
Outside each show an ambulance
Was always at the ready.
On stage they coughed and sniffed and sneezed;
The audience was less than pleased;
The fevered tenor swayed and wheezed
While minions held him steady.
The backstage staff was drafted, too
When chorus members got too few,
They even used the lighting crew
With spotlights unattended.
Chorus
Attended, with spotlights unattended.
Don Alhambra
In short, the curse had got them sure—
This dandy troupe (though amateur).
They sold their costumes, took the cure,
And so the story ended.
Chorus
Such illness they could not endure –
This dandy troupe (though amateur).
They sold their costumes, took the cure,
And so their story ended.
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