Mighty Malka with a mission:
  Sing a song and tell the plot.
Rhyming lines of exposition,
  Making sense of what is not

Eager ears are open wide.
Be our fount and be our guide.

We’re in awe when you perform,
Even though it’s now the norm.

Mighty Malka with a mission:
  Sing a song and tell the plot.
Rhyming lines of exposition,
  Making sense of what is not,
        Of what is not.

If you give me your attention, I’ll explain about this show:
Princess Ida is engaged to Prince Hilarion, although
She’s started up a girls’ school where mankind all are banned,
So she’s not at all receptive when it’s time to claim her hand.
Though they became betrothed when she was one and he was two,
His father says the marriage is required to go through.
It’s the only show of Gilbert’s that was written in blank verse,
Yet people call the puns Amelia Bedelia but worse,”
And we can’t think why!

Hilarion says the army’s not required to gain his bride,
Since flowers, wine and song will win her over to his side.
With Florian and Cyril he scales up the castle wall.
Though disguised in robes the students find out they’re not girls at all.
Then they spill to Ida one of them’s Hilarion disguised,
And she falls into the moat, but rescued still says they’re despised.
It’s a three act operetta where the longest is Act II,
Yet everybody says it’s such an awkward show to do,
And we can’t think why!

Though Ida says the girls will fend the men off on their own,
She finds their wills collapsing that she thought were made of stone.
She accepts her father’s offer to fend off her male foes,
But her brothers are defeated, having stripped their armored clothes.
Hilarion says now he sees unequal roles are cruel,
So they marry, and it’s Blanche who gets to head the women’s school.
A parody of women’s schools, with Darwin as a boost,
Yet this show is one of G&S’ less frequently produced
And we can’t think why!

Now wouldn’t we like to fill the bank
With ticket sales at proper rate?

          What must we do to make it true?
           Sing hey we need a scheme.

Well, couldn’t we turn an off-stage crank
That makes a piston operate?

        Yep, that’s a win, let’s drag them in
         With our cool steampunk theme.

Sing hey!
Sing razzle-dazzle —
   Steampunk, you bet.
Sing very high camp
   And how cute can we get?
Sing perfect hook
With this steampunk look.
Sing abracadabra
Our I-i-i-i-i-Ida, O!

For years I’ve yearned for purple lips
With crazy hair and goggles, too.

        That disconcerts, but shorter skirts
         Will be the biggest shock.

A corset (not too tight) that zips
Or laces and has toggles, too.

        I will agree it’s fun to see —
         And build a giant clock!

Sing hey!
Sing super-duper—
  Steampunk’s a hoot.
Sing facial tattoos
  And big guns that don’t shoot.
Sing perfect hook
With this steampunk look.
Sing abracadabra
Our I-i-i-i-i-Ida, O!

Gently, gently
Evidently
We are safe, don’t frown.
Topiary
Ninjas carry,
Windows rotate down.

Sideways climbing
Perfect miming
Ropes are stretched across
Climbing grueling
Fishline spooling
Now the hat is lost.

Well it took a while to block this
But we’ve learned that now we’ve got this
In the bag

Hilarion
and Florian:

In the bag.

That fishing line gets tangles
And it all depends on angles
Not to snag

Not to snag.
That ninjas enter shrouded
And that entrances are crowded
But don’t lag

But don’t lag!

That this rope is rather scratchy
And this song is rather catchy
Not to brag

Not to brag

A steampunk Ida! That is what we’re doing!
How can we make the steampunk worth viewing?
I’ll lay a crown, in case somebody doubts it.
You’ll like it twice as much as when it’s done without it.

Hush, scoffers; ere you sound your puny thunder,
List to our aims, and bow your head in wonder!
We have put a lot of tubing
On our hats

On our hats

And there’s pipes and things protruding
From the flats

From the flats;
On the nerf guns we have tethered
Straps and gears

Straps and gears

On the corsets chains and leather
It appears

It appears

We all have pairs of goggles
As we should

As we should

Or a monocle with toggles
Those are good

Those are good

In the overture the notion
Is a boat across the ocean
And we’d do it in stop motion
If we could

If we could
Almost unbelievable,
That it was all achievable
Designers got us everything we need
Guaranteed
Almost unbelievable,
That it was all achievable
Designers got us everything we need
Guaranteed

Oafish brothers these
  (Not like Tennyson).
Maybe brain disease–
  Too much venison.
Yes, yes, yes, too much venison

Gama for a dad,
  Sister Ida flown.
We’re not really bad;
  It’s testosterone.
No, no, no, just testosterone

Weighted down with arms
  And a Borg-like mask,
We have simple charms.
  Love is all we ask.
Yes, yes, yes, love is all we ask.

Big and dumb and slow – ha ha!
  Strong but never stern.
Though it may not show,- ha ha!
 For applause we yearn.
When all’s said and done – ha ha!
  We’ll do any task.
We are full of fun – ha ha!
Lo –o-o-o-o-ve is all we ask.
           Yes, yes, yes,
Love is all we ask – ha ha!

They are full of fun – ha ha!
Love is all they ask.
When all’s said and done – ha ha!
  They’ll do any task.
When all’s said and done,
They’ll do any task.
L o-o-o-o-o-ove is all they ask!

Ha ha!
L o-o-ove is all – yes, yes, yes!
Love is all we ask! Ha ha!

Must we, for now, forego our G&S?

Well, yes.

This seems too arbitrarily perverse.

A curse!
For a time to wait
In a sing-less state,
          While we sigh and languish
          In a post-show anguish,
Is a sad contrast
For the Ida cast,
Who are counting on the laughter
And the parties that come after,
Yes, are counting on the laughter
And the parties that come after.
          For the rum-tum-tum
          Of the tunes we love to hum
                    And the audience applause.

The rum-tum-tum
Of the tunes we love to hum.
          Rum-tum-tum-tummy,
           tummy-tummy-tummy-tum.
Who are counting on the laughter
And the parties that come after,
          And the rum-tum-tum
          Of the tunes we love to hum, tum!
                      Prr, prr, prr, ra-pum-pum!

When you’ve had a share
Of the spotlight’s glare,
          And you’ve gathered glory
          From a well-sung story,
Then it’s hard to quit
And give up the bit
          Where you sing a lively patter
          In an anapestic chatter,
Yes, you sing a lively patter
In an anapestic chatter.
          To the rum-tum-tum
          Of the tunes we love to hum,
                    And the audience applause.

The rum-tum-tum
Of the tunes we love to hum.
           Rum-tum-tum-tummy,
            tummy-tummy-tummy-tum.
When you sing a lively patter
In an anapestic chatter
          To the rum-tum-tum
          Of the tunes we love to hum, tum!
                      Prr, prr, prr, ra-pum-pum!

But for tonight we’ll reminisce:
Of backstage, onstage; boredom, bliss;
  Of corsets, tubing, cogs, and gears,
  And nerf-gun-wielding fusiliers!
But for tonight we’ll reminisce:
Of backstage, onstage; boredom, bliss;
  Of corsets, tubing, cogs, and gears,
  And nerf-gun -wielding fusiliers!
Of corsets, tubing, cogs, and gears,
And nerf-gun-wielding fusiliers!

But who comes here? The lead as I live!
What shall we do?

Why, we must get his attention!
Sir! Accept our humblest reverence.

(They bow.)

We greet you, chorus members. What would you with us?

What shall I say? (aloud) We are three understudies, sir.
Three well-trained actors of liberal worldview,
Who wish to learn your blocking.

If, as you say, you wish to learn our blocking,
And will subscribe to all our acting choices, ‘tis well.

To all your acting choices we cheerfully subscribe.

You say you’re understudies. Well, you’ll find
No condescension for understudies here.
You’ll find no expendables here, or divas,
Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw
A line ‘twixt principal and chorus.

So you sympathize, but don’t patronize.

HA! That’s sort of clever, I guess.

(Shows blocking to the understudies, who take notes.)

You’ll find no unjustified movement
To break the suspension of disbelief, except such mamma-steps
As are needed to form clumps.
As for your fellow-actresses, mark me well:
There are eighteen women within this theater,
All strong, all independent, and all talented:
They are prepared to push you in the direction
Of your blocking in case you get confused: will you swear
To give the fullness of your respect to them?

Upon our words and honours, sir, we will!
In truth, we may need a good loving shove here and there,
And a necessary sense of egalitarianism we delight to exhibit.
For as the Queen B has spoken… may I, though?
“Some of them men think
They freak this like we do

But no they don’t
Make your check come at they neck
Disrespect us no they won’t.”

(They stare into each other’s eyes. Anthony breaks the spell.)

An actor with Beyonce in his heart is… fine. (Collects himself)
Now let me see… And will you undertake
That you will never run us over at the
Intersection at Blaisdell and Franklin?

(Confused at the specificity) Indeed, I never will…

(Jerry considers this idea)

Consider well,
You must attend to all pedestrians!

To all pedestrians we’ll carefully attend!

You should be careful nonetheless when crossing,
Seeing as how distracted–

(Aside to Jonah) Take care, don’t make him wary!

And have you no blocking questions
That may pursue you onstage?

No, sir, none.
We’re improvisational actors, as the need arises,
And have never made a mistake
We couldn’t turn into an acting choice.
We smile at Ida’s understudy, Claudia,
Who is exceptionally prepared and always reliable,
But do not imitate her. What we have
Of characterization, is all our own. Our costumes, too,
Robed, but without leather pants,
Are partial, but man has learnt
To reckon clothes an impertinence.

Well, clothes count for naught,
Within the men’s dressing room at least;
If all you say is true, you’ll pass without us
A happy, happy time!

If, as they say,
Fig Newtons await us during the luncheon scene,
I think there’s very little doubt we shall!

The orchestra, you know,
Was meant to play for shows.
They sound real neat,
And fill the seats,
As many a director knows,
As many a director knows.
As many a director knows,
As many a director knows,
But off, but offstage they must go.

Yes, yes, yes.
But offstage they must go!

Those instruments of brass
Are but a useless mass.
They play so loud,
Tho’ it please the crowd,
Those instruments of brass
Are but a useless mass!
A man is but an ass
Who tries to sing with brass
So off, so offstage go the brass.

Yes, yes, yes.
So offstage go the brass!

These woodwinds, truth to tell,
May play uncommon well.
But in the pit
They sound like s**t,
They’re covered up by bells!
They’re covered up by bells!

Yes, yes, yes.
They’re covered up by bells!

These strings I treat the same.
They quite enjoy their game.
Through all the shows
They move their bows
Their sound thus to maintain
Their sound thus to maintain.
They quite enjoy their game,
They quite enjoy their game,
Their sound, their sound thus to maintain.

Yes, yes, yes.
Their sound thus to maintain!

And don’t forget the drums
They’re having too much fun.
They beat with sticks
And ratchet clicks
While we on stage do run
While we on stage do run
They’re having too much fun.
While we on stage do run
They’re having, they’re having too much fun.

Yes, yes, yes.
They’re having too much fun.

The man who waves the stick

(pause)

Is typically…a prick.

(gasp! / oh no!/ etc.)

But not this one
He’s lots of fun
And keeps the tempos quick
And keeps the tempos quick
The man who waves the stick
The man who waves the stick
He keeps, he keeps the tempos quick

Yes, yes, yes.
He keeps the tempos quick!

Our daughter’s grown but years ago,
She lost her baby teeth, eeO!
Each time she did, Oh don’t you know,
She had this strong belief, eeO!

That if she’d place it underneath,
Her pillow ‘fore she’d sleep, eeO!
A fairy’d come without a peep,
To take the tooth and leave some dough!
To leave some dough!
To leave some dough!
She always left her lots of dough!

Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
And dance around – and dance around!
Set bells a-ringing through the air,
She’s going to buy some gummy bears.
And echo forth the joyous sound,
And dance around and dance around.

And echo forth that joyous sound,
And dance around, and dance around.
And echo forth the joyous sound,
And dance around, and dance around!

One time when she was sleeping, O!
The tooth fell out and who knows where.
Instead of for safekeeping, O!
The tooth was lost not here or there.

We searched and searched both high and low,
No tooth we’ll find, we all did think.
We shook the covers yes and lo!
It hit the floor with one small ‘clink’!
One little clink,
One tiny clink,
One little tiny clink, eeO!

Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
The tooth is found, the tooth is found
Set bells a-ringing through the air,
She now can buy those gummy bears
And echo forth the joyous sound,
The tooth is found, the tooth is found
And echo forth that joyous sound,
The tooth is found, the tooth is found
And echo forth that joyous sound
The tooth is found, the tooth is found.

Jim Brooks wrote the following alternate lyric song, to the tune of “A Lady Fair, of Lineage High,” which was performed at the Company’s 2006 Last Gasp Cast Bash … as he put it, “with a nod to ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man.”

Lady Psyche

A clean white shirt and two new shoes
and he doesn’t know where he’s goin’ to!
He wears silk suits, he wears black ties
and he doesn’t need a reason why.
    He just don’t need a reason why!
    Oh, but I’m not through! He wears green with blue.
For the guy, yes, he’s really colorblind!
    But, I think he’s fairer with this fashion error
    For we all come runnin’ just as fast as we can
‘Cause every girl’s crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man.

Oh, he wears pearl whites and a diamond ring
and he ain’t missin’ not a single thing.
Has gold cufflinks and a sharp stick pin
And when he steps out, he will do me in.
    When he steps out, he’ll do me in!
    But I’m telling you… What I say is true!
That most men are dressing mighty drab
    This certain fellow wears bright red with yellow!
    And we all come runnin’ just as fast as we can
‘Cause every girl’s crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man.

A long top coat and a smart top hat.
No, he don’t fret ’cause his wallet’s fat.
And he has black shades and some nice white gloves,
He’s lookin’ real sharp and lookin’ for love.
    He’s really sharp and looks for love!
    And his pants are new!  Violet with blue!
For his color schemes are really grand.
    ‘Cause I’m Lady Psyche
    and I work for Nike!
And we all come runnin’ just as fast as we can
‘Cause every girl’s crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man.

All:

For his color schemes are really grand.
‘Cause she’s (I’m) Lady Psyche and she (I) work(s) for Nike!
And they (we) all come runnin’ just as fast as they (we) can
‘Cause every girl’s crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man!