Sung to the tune of “To Thy Fraternal Care”
    Wilfred Shadbolt’s song from Act I
Written by Holly Windle
Performed by Christopher Michela and the Men’s Chorus

You’re here to watch the show,
    So let me make it clear:
Those things that ring or glow
    We do not want them here.
    I can inspire fear,
So don’t make me use my axe, my lovely axe.

Your cell phone must not ring,
    For then we can relax,
Declaim our lines and sing.
So do just as I’ve said;
And you won’t lose your head.
Don’t squirm or scoff – just turn them off,
Don’t squirm or scoff – just turn them off.
You cell phone must not ring!

Chorus:

Yes, then we can relax.
Do as he said, don’t lose your head.
Your cell phone must not ring.

Sung to the tune of “Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll!”
    The First and Second Yeomen’s song from Act I
Written by Holly Windle
This alternative cell phone song was not used in our production.

First Yeoman:

We require deactivation
Of all cell phones in this place.
Silence them in preparation
For tonight or face disgrace.

Chorus:

Dodge frustration and vexation:
Turn them off or face disgrace!

Second Yeoman:

Set aside till intermission
Any gizmo that might glow.
We desire no competition,
So for now just watch the show.

Chorus:

We petition:  Here’s your mission: 
Turn them off and watch the show.